November 11, 2018 Thanks for Reading my freaking diary, kids
I make rigorous attempts to be self-aware. I don’t claim to be completely self-aware, rather, it is a habit or routine for me to constantly check myself every day, every hour, practically every minute.
I’ve come to realize that motivations matter to me above almost everything else.
I think, as a kid at Christmas time, I heard “It’s the thought that counts” a few too many times, and really made strides to abide by this.
My cult-like, repetitive training in AA really solidified this ideology for me, but I really have no one to blame but myself. I have chosen to glean all meaning, power, control, self-worth, and really any social or philosophical perceptions through the filter of motivation. Christianity also contributed to this, I think. That verse, that horrible verse about going to hell for not adultery, but the THOUGHT of adultery – insinuates that even the CONSIDERATION of committing such an act is as good (or bad) as the act itself.
As a person who finds it very difficult to control the inner monologue/dialogue – I emphasize this – it is very, very, very difficult to develop a healthy self-view.
Putting it plainly:
I have thoughts that are undesirable by my standards, therefore, I f*cking hate myself. I’m damned. Blah blah blah, my parents say I was born Catholic.
This is waaaaay past Catholicism, my friend.
Wow, where was I? Motivations, right, okay. Well, I am often unable to discern my own motivations, and I know logically that I will never be capable of truly knowing the motivations of any other person, so WHY build a worldview around something that will forever elude me?
You probably guessed it. When I think about this, this is what always comes next in my mind: Masochism. But not just run-of-the-mill-keep-it-to-the-sex-clubs masochism. Bona-fide, verified, validated, Pain & Suffering = Personal Growth = A Reason to Live masochism.
What is next? Do any of these epiphanies ever lead to awakenings? Changes? Answers, at the very least? No, at the very least, I could use some confirmation that I’m not alone in this vicious belief pattern. Hence, a blog post.
Whatever, stay hungry, the pangs mean that you’re burning calories,